Collaboration in the Co-Parenting Partnership
By Aurisha Smolarski, MA, LMFT
PACT Level 2 Therapist
www.aurishasmolarski.com
No one said parenting was easy, let alone co-parenting with an ex.
Learning how to co-parent is complicated. It’s a partnership full of emotional undertones and adjustments. Being divorced or separated and having to juggle the co-parenting realities adds layers of coordination and factors to consider.
Personal and romantic priorities shift, as do the feelings and perceptions about your parenting partner. One thing remains unchanged: a responsibility to ensure that each of your children feels safe and can thrive within the changes and new situations they encounter.
Experiencing divorce and living in two homes are difficult enough for a child, but it’s the way in which the parents handle their divorce and work together on behalf of the child that creates long-term impact.
A break in the family structure can be incredibly destabilizing for a child. The transition...
An Exercise to Help Navigate the Effects of Sexual Trauma
By Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., CSAT-S, CST
PACT Level 3 Candidate, PACT Ambassador
For a sexual trauma survivor, the idea or act of being sexual with their partner can be ripe with hopes, pleasure, fears, frustrations, and shame. For the partner of a sexual trauma survivor, sex can be just as daunting; fear over what to say, what to do or not do when their partner feels triggered. Couples can become paralyzed or at war over difficulties in communicating their needs around sex. This is where a PACT therapist can be of invaluable assistance.
Consider Marco and Elana*. Elana endured sexual abuse at the hands of a family member when she was approximately six. The secondary trauma of invalidation and alienation following her eventual outcry left her hesitant to discuss the experience as an adult with any partners, even her long-time partner, Marco. She was in therapy for a long time and, for the most part, experienced few flashbacks or intrusive thoughts about the abuse as an...
Cultivating Your Couple Bubble
By Margaret Martin, LCSW
PACT Level 3 Candidate, PACT Ambassador
In a healthy romantic relationship partners create safety and security with each other. Partners have each other’s backs and the folks around them see that they have each other’s backs. In PACT we refer to this as the couple bubble. We support couples in building a secure functioning relationship and in developing a couple bubble that supports secure functioning.
A couple’s mutual agreements, shared vision of relationship, and the way they navigate life together form the foundation of the couple bubble. Although the couple bubble evolves over time, in a healthy relationship the development begins early. Even in a budding romance partners create the genesis for their bubble when they quickly repair a hurt and take each other´s distress seriously.
The roles and expectations partners have for each other change as they move from a dating relationship to a more committed...
Getting to the Truth Through Cross-Tracking
By Eda Arduman, Ma.
PACT Level 2 Therapist, PACT Ambassador
The PACT therapist uses cross-tracking — a technique of inquiry as well as an intervention — along with other techniques to understand couple functioning. The therapist is aiming to get information about one partner by directing the question to their partner instead.
This method allows the therapist to understand how collaborative the couple is as well as how much insight they have regarding each other. The therapist casts the question (regarding Partner B) to Partner A and follows by observing B’s somatic response. The somatic response gives an idea of what the person’s true response is in real time. Then by following up, the therapist can ask B if that is true or not. One can learn a lot about the couple.
Acquiring Accurate Information
Cross-tracking allows us to acquire accurate information in an indirect way. Asking a person a direct question can be less useful because the person...
Creating Relational Safety Under Survival Conditions, Part I
PACT Level 3 Candidate, PACT Ambassador
Everything is the same, yet nothing is the same. The question of what constitutes acceptable exposure risk to COVID-19 is being debated around the globe. With new medical findings and recommendations emerging daily, how are couples to discern and agree on what constitutes acceptable risk for their families?
Much like our current circumstances, couples often grapple with reconciling differing opinions, which can feel very unsafe. Enter PACT couples counseling – a style of couples therapy designed to create relational safety, even under the most stressful conditions. Safety issues often originate from a lack of shared principles and people’s inability to successfully put those principles into operation.
In PACT, we believe relationships must be just, fair, kind, mutual, and sensitive for partners to feel safe. While we all want to feel safe in our relationships, we often struggle to provide the very...
How Creating a Shared Purpose Unites and Renews Couples
By Beth Newton, LCSW, LCAS
PACT Level 2 Therapist, PACT Ambassador
https://newtoncounseling.com/
“Winter Is Coming”
“We Do Not Sow”
“Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”
“Family, Duty, Honor”
If you are a Game of Thrones fan, you know that each ruling house has a sigil (magical symbol) and motto. The story takes place during a time of chaos with warring houses, harsh living conditions, and the threat of human extinction. The families inscribe their sigils and mottos on shields, flags, and stamps. From Season 1 through Season 7, the main characters repeat their mottos during times of stress, celebration, and danger.
Throughout history, the nations of the world have developed structures to transcend natural and man-made dangers. I am half Scottish from the Douglas clan. When my brothers were in high school and looking for a place of safety and belonging, they learned how to play the bagpipes and drums. Their membership in a bagpipe...
Staying Connected Despite Your COVID-Cancelled Wedding
by Susan Stork, LCPC, NCC
PACT Level 2 Therapist, PACT Ambassador
www.spacebetweencounselingservices.com/
Many once soon-to-be-married couples have had their wedding plans altered due to the COVID-19 pandemic. You booked your venue, hotel, caterer, and entertainment – and likely spent countless hours and copious amounts of money in the process. Now you’re faced with making a decision with only unfavorable options: do you cancel or postpone the wedding, or do you potentially risk the health of your beloved guests?
Perhaps you’re one of countless couples who have had to reschedule or cancel your dream ceremony and reception. Travel for out-of-town guests and honeymoon have turned into a distant fantasy. Even the closing of some courthouses has made it seem impossible to legally tie the knot.
It’s only natural for couples stuck in limbo to feel disappointed or cheated that the celebration of your union has been indefinitely pushed back on an uncertain timeline....
What Is Allostatic Load?
By Susan Stork, LCPC, NCC
PACT Level 2 Therapist, PACT Ambassador
www.spacebetweencounselingservices.com/
Due to the recent pandemic, stress is at an all-time high for many couples. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, “three factors that universally lead to stress are uncertainty, lack of information, and the loss of control.” Prolonged exposure to these stressors, generated from COVID-19 and other circumstances, can result in allostatic load.
Allostatic load refers to the wear and tear on the body that accumulates when we are exposed to repeated or chronic stressors. These stressors can be internal, external, or both. While allostasis has been traditionally examined in individuals, it undoubtedly impacts couples.
According to Bruce S. McEwan, PhD, “Whereas allostasis refers to the process of adaptation to challenges, ‘allostatic load’ refers to the price the body pays for being forced to adapt to adverse psychosocial or physical situations,...
Staging to Influence the Thermostat in Couple Therapy
By Melissa Ferrari
Dip. of C & C, Advanced Dip in Transactional Analysis (Psychotherapy)
Clinical Registrant PACFA
PACT Level 3 Candidate, PACT Ambassador
https://melissaferrari.com.au/
We all know that moment when we see a couple for the first time. Immediately, as a trained PACT therapist, you notice nuances in how the couple interacts. One partner’s shoulders slouch as they walk in. The other has their chest puffed out almost as if they are protecting themselves. In that moment, you know you would bounce right off of them if you dared to approach or get too close.
Tom and Sarah are a couple in their mid-forties with two adult children who had moved away from home in the last year. Before we even all sit down to talk, I think to myself, “These two have been dysregulated for some time, possibly even years.” I notice, as their couple therapist, that I feel a little sad and possibly even a little worried about them. What is going on with this couple? What has...
Nurturing Your Relationship During “Stay at Home” Orders
By Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC
PACT Level 2 Therapist
https://www.baltimorecounselor.com
During these unprecedented times, we are stuck in our homes for an undetermined amount of time with our partners, spending more hours with them than ever before. We might have always wished for extra time with a partner, but I’m guessing no one imagined it would be spent under “stay at home” orders due to a global pandemic.
Recently I’ve been asking couples, “How can you make the most of this time and benefit from it as a couple?”
Of course, you can watch Netflix and hunker down for the next 4, 8, or 16 weeks, but as a therapist and a person who wants to keep learning and growing, I feel like this situation provides couples with a unique opportunity for growth and connection. If not now, then when?
Know that you can weather this storm as a couple and even come out stronger from it. With structure and agreements in place – and hopefully some humor...
