by Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT,
stantatkin.com

1. Thou shalt protect the safety and security of thy relationship at all costs.
2. Thou shalt base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine partner.
3. Thou shalt not threaten the existence of the relationship, for so doing would benefit no one.
4. Thou shalt appoint thy partner as go-to person for all matters, making certain thy partner is first to know—not second, third, or fourth—in all matters of importance.
5. Thou shalt provide a tether to thy partner all the days and nights of thy life, and never fail to greet thy partner with good cheer.
6. Thou shalt protect thy partner in public and in private from harmful elements, including thyself.
7. Thou shall put thy partner to bed each night and awaken with thy partner each morning.
8. Thou shalt correct all errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and not make dispute of who was the original...

by Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT,
stantatkin.com

“I always seem to pick the wrong person for long-term relationships. There’s something wrong with my ‘picker.’ I should just give up.”

Many times I have heard this kind of gripe from patients, acquaintances, and friends. While I understand why someone might think his or her “picker” is broken or defective, in truth, it belies a misunderstanding of the human pair-bonding process. Let’s review.

The initial pair-bonding process is psychobiological. You, as you think of yourself right now, are not the same person you were when you first met the love of your life. You were on infatuation “drugs” throughout that initial courtship period. Your body, your lower (and faster) brain, and your neuroendocrine system (endogenous drugs) ran that show. The thing is, nature cares more about procreation and mixing of the gene pool than it does about the success of long-term relationships.

So if you do...