by Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT,
“I always seem to pick the wrong person for long-term relationships. There’s something wrong with my ‘picker.’ I should just give up.”
Many times I have heard this kind of gripe from patients, acquaintances, and friends. While I understand why someone might think his or her “picker” is broken or defective, in truth, it belies a misunderstanding of the human pair-bonding process. Let’s review.
The initial pair-bonding process is psychobiological. You, as you think of yourself right now, are not the same person you were when you first met the love of your life. You were on infatuation “drugs” throughout that initial courtship period. Your body, your lower (and faster) brain, and your neuroendocrine system (endogenous drugs) ran that show. The thing is, nature cares more about procreation and mixing of the gene pool than it does about the success of long-term relationships.
So if you do...