Hello, Unrealistic Expectations. Meet Reality.

It’s common for couples to enter a relationship with hopes, dreams, and a vision of how things should be. But sometimes, these expectations — about how a partner should behave, how conflict should unfold, or what love should feel like — don’t quite match the realities of everyday life with another human being. 

When your relationship doesn’t live up to what you imagined, you might feel confused, hurt, or disappointed. 

For this article, Team PACT asked PACT Certified therapists to share unrealistic expectations they commonly see in their work with couples and how they address them. Their insights reveal how reframing these expectations through a secure-functioning lens can help partners grow closer and deepen connection.

My partner is the one who needs to change.

“People often expect their partner to change and that they won’t have to,” says Krista Jordan, PhD. These people also tend to believe that there’s only one ‘right’ perspective, and that their partner is the problem! They don’t realize reality is subjective.” 

In therapy, Krista helps couples understand how attachment history and interpersonal neurobiology shape perception and behavior. With a more nuanced and compassionate perspective, she explains, “partners can have more realistic expectations of each other, their relationship, and their own role in shaping the relationship moment to moment.”

My partner should know what I need. I shouldn’t have to ask.

“I find that many partners come in with a sense that their partner should know what they need — and spontaneously respond to them in positive ways,” says Ben Trelease, LMHC. But this expectation often leads to disappointment. 

In these cases, Ben works to help partners understand how unrealistic expectations typically result in over-depending on strategies that not only don't work but often are quite damaging to the security of the relationship. He helps couples move from unspoken hopes to collaborative strategies. “I help partners collaborate on strategies that are more likely to earn the desired response.”

Fighting is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

“Many couples aren’t prepared to be hurt by the person they love,” says Analisa Macias, MA, LPC. “They’re excited to be with someone who loves them so completely, and they don’t understand that hurt and conflict are part of a healthy relationship.” 

Analisa explains further. “I normalize the hurt and conflict, not justify it, just normalize it. This helps the couple deal with reality rather than fight reality (and each other). And then we can start talking about and practicing fair fighting and authentic repair.”

We just need to communicate more. 

Couples often come in thinking they just need better communication skills — or that the therapist will have all the answers. But what they really need, says Lilian Borges, LPC, is the ability to feel each other in the moment. 

Lillian helps couples experience the impact they have on each other and use those moments to grow toward secure functioning. It’s not just about more (or better) communication. “I encourage couples to behave in ways that support secure functioning — and to let go of behaviors that go against it.” 

My partner needs to be rescued.

Vanessa Morgan, MFT, sees unrealistic expectations rooted in early attachment wounds. When unresolved, she says, “couples can get stuck in the unconscious fantasy of wanting to be rescued or wanting to rescue their partner.” 

This often leads to dysregulation and one-sided efforts. Vanessa teaches couples how to co-regulate in real time and also emphasizes the importance of self-regulation through grounding and breathing techniques. 

I need to take care of myself in this relationship. 

Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC, encourages couples to shift their focus from “what I want and deserve” to “what the relationship needs.” Developing a strong we identity is central to secure functioning. 

That means both partners take responsibility — not just for themselves but for the relationship they co-create. “Each couple enters therapy with unrealistic expectations, and I meet them where they are and help them take steps toward each other,” Lisa says.

The reality: Secure-functioning requires work. It’s also deeply rewarding. 

Unrealistic expectations are often rooted in past experiences, unspoken fears, or idealized versions of romantic love. When couples let go of unrealistic expectations, they can embrace secure functioning. They can commit to mutual care, co-regulation, and real-time repair. The relationship becomes not just more real but more deeply rewarding. 

Are you dealing with unmet needs or would like to build a more secure-functioning relationship based on collaboration, fairness, sensitivity, and understanding? Find a PACT therapist in our PACT Therapist Directory. It’s free and easy to use!