Love Is in the Eyes

by Beth O’Brien, PhD, Licensed Psychologist
PACT Certified Therapist, PACT Faculty

How do you look at your loved one?

After months or years together in a committed relationship, it’s easy to become complacent — meeting your partner’s gaze with neutrality or forgetting to look at them with love at all. Lingering hurt from late night arguments, disappointment when expectations are not met, or anger due to unfinished tasks can quietly erode the warmth between you. Add in the distractions of screens, work, or other commitments, and indifference can slip into your relationship.

When that happens, it’s no surprise if your eyes reflect boredom, frustration, annoyance, or dislike. Your facial expression reflects emotion at any point in time. However, it’s the absence of connection in your eyes — the lack of loving attention — that can gradually loosen the bond between you.

One of my favorite portraits reminds me of this truth. My daughter took the photo on this page. If you look closely, you can see that my eyes are full of love for her. Such a quick moment in time: me looking up, seeing the person behind the lens, and then the softening of my face. You can observe my delight in viewing my daughter, which opens a door to relax in her presence and feel the joy in our connection. It’s a reminder of how powerful a fleeting gaze can be.

Think back to when you first met your partner.  You were probably drawn to your partner’s face and eyes. In fact, you may have memorized every part of your partner’s face — the shape of the nose, the forehead, and the outline of their lips. You noticed the color of the eyes and whether they were round or oval. As you observed your new love, your gaze likely reflected curiosity, warmth, and attraction. 

Fast forward to now. Notice what initial feelings of fondness, passion, or attraction remain between you. Some of that initial passion may have deepened into appreciation when your partner steps in and makes dinner because you feel tired or surprises you with your favorite take-out! 

Perhaps you feel admiration when you hear them tell a story that makes friends laugh. As you believe that your person is not going anywhere, you may feel pleased that you have each other’s back. Trust and contentment become part of love’s foundation, but they still need to be expressed.

That’s why I encourage partners to make time daily to express their love for one another. Infusions of love balance out negative feelings which arise when your relationship is under stress.

Try this simple practice: 

• Pause. 
• Capture the love you feel for your partner.
• Note the warm feelings that arise. 
• Express this to your partner on your face and in your eyes. 

Make sure you have their complete attention. Be face to face, so that you can see one another directly, and be physically close enough so you can touch if you are so inclined. Rekindle your love through these actions and stay open to what might be returned to you. See what a loving glance can do.

Think of all the time and energy you invest in necessities outside the relationship — work, hobbies, children, home chores, extended family, friends. These responsibilities are important, yes? But if we put all our time into meeting such demands, does this mean our partner/relationship is optional? Of course not, yet our actions can give that impression when we neglect to take the time to truly see our loved ones.

If you want to reawaken closeness, set aside 10 percent of your energy each day and gift it to your partner. Greet them with warmth.  Meet their eyes. Words are optional — sometimes the gaze says everything. Small and simple loving acts like this are key to connecting more deeply. Because love begins in the eyes.