The PEPPER Exercise: The Intersection of Collaboration and Coregulation

by Allison Howe, LMHC, MA, EdM
PACT Certified Therapist, PACT Faculty

As a couple, it's not a million problems that bring couples into therapy but generally a few of the same things on repeat. 

These repeated experiences cause fresh injuries each time and unfortunately, many couples don’t heal the injury nor do they learn how to handle it differently. 

Consider how you can get ahead of these issues by predicting in advance the problems you “might have,” based on what has happened in the past. The goal of the PEPPER exercise is to work together to plan for your success. 

Breaking Down the PEPPER Exercise 

• “P” – Predict. What will happen now, based on your past experiences as a couple. Anticipate all the possibilities. Especially regarding emotions and reactivity that you may have previously experienced.
• “E” – Envision. How would you like to see yourselves in the future scene you are discussing?  Will you be friendly? Will you be loving? Will you come home together feeling connected?
• “P” – Plan. This is a brainstorming session for the couple so they can develop plans A, B,  and C to ensure that regardless of what they encounter in the environment and with each other, they will survive and thrive. And, do it while staying regulated. 
• “P” – Prepare and practice. Once you have your plan and contingency plans in place, it’s time to prepare for the anticipated moment or event. This preparation can include figuring out what you both need to be resourced and practicing together what you will do if this or that happens. 
• “E” – Execute and enjoy.  When working on this exercise, don’t forget your sense of humor and playfulness.  In PACT, it’s referred to as “laws of attraction.”  We work best with one another when we aren’t using fear, shame, or guilt as a signal for what we want. This also holds true for when you “go live” or when you execute your plan together. 
• “R” – Repair and review.  If you step on your partner’s toes during this exercise, repair quickly. And when you are out in the world practicing your strategy together, you may make mistakes.  Repair quickly and move forward. “R” is also for review. After you have executed the plan together, take some time to review how it went. Is there anything to learn? Anything to celebrate?

Meet Cora and Romeo Before the Pepper Exercise

Cora and Romeo have been married for fifteen years. Both partners come to therapy with skepticism. Cora engages with me in a way where her eyes shine and she has a quick smile. But, when she interacts with Romeo, she can dim her light and her shoulders hunch. 

Romeo speaks to me enthusiastically about his love for his life and his wife. Yet, when he turns to his wife, his face becomes still and his jaw is set. Their presenting issue is their fighting, and it has led to leading separate lives. 

A serious area of contention involves their summer beach community. They both were initially excited about joining the beach community and saw it as a fresh new idea that would brighten up their lives. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t play out that way. “It’s as if I’m an afterthought. It’s as if you don’t even care if I’m there or not,” she says. 

“That couldn’t be further from the truth,” replies Romeo. “It isn’t that I don’t want you there, it’s that you don’t want to be there, and you can’t see how good this is for me. How it makes me feel alive.” 

Learning More from Moments of Dysregulation

Cora can get angry with her eyes glaring before she then folds into herself and weeps. Romeo becomes more still and drops his head. Cora struggles to compose herself and Romeo doesn’t move toward her. 

When I ask why that is, he says that she can push him away when he does try to comfort her. She agrees that can happen. 

I learn more from them about their childhoods and how these moments of dysregulation were experienced with their parents. Cora says her mother was “completely self-pre-occupied. I mean, when you open a textbook on narcissism, her face is there!” 

Romeo grins and says, “She’s not lying.” And, I learn that Romeo’s parents, while loving, could be very critical, and his father struggled with mood swings that were confusing to him. He felt his job was to make his father feel better, but he says that he often felt that there was nothing he could do.

Using the PEPPER Exercise with Cora and Romeo

Cora and Romeo Predict

Cora speaks of feeling very lonely when the couple goes to the beach community. Between Romeo’s volleyball practice and performances at the community’s theater group, Cora finds she is alone frequently. She enjoys reading and relaxing, but doesn’t need to leave home for those pursuits. 

After a couple of weekends of fighting, Cora decided to stay at their primary home while Romeo went to the beach cottage.  As a result, Romeo developed a social network, and Cora feels like an outsider when she does join him at the cottage. 

As they sit face to face in therapy, I ask them to relax together, to find each other’s gaze and settle in for a moment. As soon as they do this, Cora’s eyes begin to tear up. 

She says ruefully, “I predict that you will be up and out early and gone for most of the day. You will want me at those communal dinners and, honestly, I’m not that interested in all the people you’ve befriended.” 

Romeo winces. His eyes squeeze tight as he shakes his head. I notice that neither Cora or Romeo move toward one another in these moments. 

Romeo points out that he has found great comfort in belonging to a community after years of increasing isolation due to the pandemic. He also notices that “people want to stay home more! No one wants to go out and be together! And everyone is just on their phones. It depresses me. And you just won’t see how much being at the beach is helping me. You won’t see it.” 

He predicts that when he launches from their cottage and lands back with Cora later in the day that “I’ll be greeted with your coldness. You will be mad at me before I even walk in the door! I swear, it seems you punish me for enjoying myself.”

Their Predictions:

1. Feeling alone and resentful (Cora)
2. Feeling judged and criticized (Romeo)
3. Fighting and distancing from one another (the couple)

In therapy, I ask Romeo about Cora’s experiences with feeling alone when she was young. He tears up and shares a story that epitomized Cora’s childhood loneliness. Her mother was an opera singer, and Cora traveled with her to out-of-town performances. Her mother would focus on her performance and Cora’s feedback on it, and Cora remembers that the performance encompassed her mother. 

Romeo says, “It was wrong to ask a kid to be in that role! And what kid wants to be alone in dressing rooms and hotel rooms?” Cora looks touched by Romeo’s way of describing her childhood, and she accepts his embrace and snuggles in close this time. 

I ask Cora about her understanding of the criticisms directed at Romeo as a child. She says that Romeo’s parents had a family business and from a young age, “He was a part of it. And, from what I know, he could never please them. His father could come down hard on him for not handling the business the way that he would. And, nobody ever asked him if he even wanted to be there. It was expected. Romeo was expected to do a lot and he can have some dark times, even now, when he gets depressed and doesn’t believe in himself.” 

I help the couple see that the experiences that they are having now are part of their memories from long ago with people who mattered deeply, just like they do for one another. We speak together about how repeating these moments through their fights leaves them feeling as stuck as they were back then. 

“Isn’t it time to make some new memories, some better memories?” I ask. 

Cora and Romeo Envision

I ask the couple to envision a scene at the beach community that would be better for them. I ask each partner if they have an idea of what their partner envisions. 

Cora sees Romeo playing volleyball on the beach and then sitting with his new friends in a circle afterward, around a bonfire. Romeo shakes his head. “That’s not it at all. I see you with me. I play volleyball and then we sit together by the water. Or, we take a walk on the beach. I see the two of us sitting together with other people and laughing.” 

When I ask Romeo what Cora envisions, he says, “Oh, I can see her staying at the cottage and texting her friends back home. She will come to the beach and bring a book. That’s what I see.” 

Cora bristles. “You got me all wrong. I want to be with you, not with all the other people! Or at least some of the time with you. If I can’t get the time with you, I’d rather be alone or not go!” 

Back to fighting. 

This is a key moment for the couple in their therapy. It is the point where they both feel tension in their bodies as well as an utter sense of disconnection from their partner. They both agree that they feel that there is no way around this feeling. 

As we slow to a snail’s pace, we can link this moment to other times when they felt this way. It’s a stuck feeling that is painful and exacerbated by a sense of hopelessness. For a therapist, it can feel that way, too. We sit together as if we are attending a funeral or sitting shiva. 

After a while, both Cora and Romeo look at me. “It seems like it's time to envision your escape from this misery,”I suggest softly. 

Taking small and tender steps, both Cora and Romeo begin to envision a scene that is good for both of them, and in time they both come up with something “better than what we’ve been doing.” I guide them in this part of the process as it’s so easy for them both to feel misunderstood which leads back to disconnection. 

I encourage them to slow down and sometimes to stop talking completely and find their partner, who they lost on the way. This process of slowing and stopping and trying again repeats several times. I point out that when they stay in this process, they have a better chance of landing on solid ground together. 

They agree that while this is a new way of doing it, it seems to be working, for now.  

Cora and Romeo Plan

How will Cora and Romeo get what they want? How can they plan for what they both say would be better for them? I ask some strategic questions informed by my understanding of who they are and how their state can shift as they move through time both individually and together. 

• What will Cora and Romeo need to do to ensure they are a solid couple at the end of a day at their beach community?
• Will they be in close proximity? If not, how will they stay in contact?
• Does their plan account for how they come together after being apart?
• How will they know if their plan isn’t working? How will they transition together to another plan?

It was time for intervention as I have worked with the couple previously to understand who they are and how they regulate themselves and one another. I had witnessed both partners under pressure, and we worked with what relieved them in those moments. Through that process they gained understanding both of themselves and their partner. They were ready to take on a higher level task such as making a plan. 

I give the couple a five-minute time constraint as I encourage them to deal with this issue in a way that would work for both. They begin by stating that they want to be closer and that their relationship comes first. Now, it's time to see what that means specifically. 

I’m not really surprised that their complaints surfaced again, but this time, they are aware of the music they play together. As I keep time, Romeo makes a proposal: "How about we do something together that doesn’t involve volleyball or the communal dinners?” 

Cora responds immediately with her own proposal: "Would you be open to leaving the beach community for a few hours and doing something just on our own?” 

Romeo quickly accepts her invitation. His idea comes from a deeper understanding of Cora’s needs, which I point out to Cora. She nods but not before Romeo reminds me he is so appreciative of Cora being open to new ways of being together. 

But we aren’t done yet. 

Cora and Romeo: Prepare & Practice

I ask the couple, "How could you plan for when things go wrong with your plan?” For instance, what will happen if Romeo sees Cora’s expression that he reads as her disappointment? Or, Cora approaching Romeo when he is engaged with other people and she feels left out? 

It turns out that this problem has plagued them not only at the beach community, but at home and for many years. Today, both partners accept their role in this dynamic which is additional evidence of how they have grown through this process. 

Today, they agree to change their dynamic to protect their relationship and one another.This social contracting intervention follows a true repair for both partners. Making amends takes place face to face and includes a heartfelt apology. 

Preparation

We go back to the PEPPER exercise and their plan: They decide that they will keep their agreement to protect each other from their harsh words and behaviors and to repair quickly. It’s time to prepare and practice their plan(s) and also prepare for when things don’t go as planned. 

I encourage the couple to prepare for their weekend at the beach community by paying attention to their transitions from being alone to being together. It turns out that Cora experiences reunions and separations differently from Romeo. She anticipates his homecoming and then can resent that he doesn’t ask her about herself. 

Romeo shares how he returns home and “walks on eggshells” as he tries to gauge if Cora is in a good mood. In therapy, the couple learns about launchings and landings and their different attachment styles. 

They establish rituals, including a more intentional welcome home process as well as what they referred to as “chill time,” where they sit together without agendas. 

I support them in integrating these practices as they prepare for time at the beach community. They prepare for maintaining contact in the presence of other people. They pay attention to how they move into connection in public, and then how they are less connected when they are at home. 

Both acknowledge how their distractions and preoccupations are factors that play into whether they feel connected to one another. Cora and Romeo experiment in therapy with different ways of looking at one another and how it impacts their state. 

Cora notices immediately how she can feel deflated by seeing Romeo speaking animatedly on the phone when she enters a room. Romeo shares how the harshness in Cora’s vocal tone makes him feel demoralized. 

Practice

We practice in therapy how use of their eyes, changes in their vocal tone and body movements can easily move them back into connection.

The best plans can fall apart simply because we don’t remember what we decided! This common occurrence causes much strife between partners because it can feel deeply personal. This is why practice and preparation are essential. One way to plan for this possibility is to agree in advance to remind one another of the plan throughout this process and then again right beforehand. 

Friendly reminders can prove to be relationship-saving. “Our brains are remarkable organs. They take in and use massive amounts of information from inside and outside our bodies and allow us to go through about 90% of our day automatically. Our brains are on automation, running our lives, making decisions, and doing what needs to be done, with little thought required. Our automatic brains are cheap to run and extremely fast and efficient.” (Tatkin, 2015). 

The downside of our automatic brain is that it is error-prone. So, when we move fast, we can make errors including tracking our partner and remembering the plan we made. 

Here are some ways couples prepare and practice:

• Consider a quick review of your plan right before you are preparing for your activity or event. Much like the pre-game huddle in football, it is a way to refresh your brain’s short term memory system. 
• If one partner forgets the plan, the other partner can move forward and remind them. This may be all it takes to get back on track. 

Cora and Romeo Execute

Cora and Romeo practice their plans both in therapy and at home. “We’re PEPPERED,” Romeo says, “Let’s see it goes this weekend.” 

The weather forecast is wonderful  with sunny skies and low humidity. I smile to myself and note that I hope the same holds true for their relationship forecast this weekend. 

Of course, that is in their hands and regardless of the outcome, maybe something fresh and new would emerge that would lead to more possibilities. 

Cora and Romeo Revise and Repair

It’s a good sign that both partners look relaxed and content when the next session begins. They share that their experience was different and improved. 

Cora is quick to point out how grateful she is that Romeo was so willing to be with her and share time together as a couple. Romeo thanks Cora for being open to having friends over for dinner. The couple decided to extend a dinner invitation to a couple who is new to both of them, and they agree that was a good decision. 

The weekend had one setback, which involved a misunderstanding between the couple. This time they didn’t turn on one another, revising in the moment.  Instead, they repaired it and went on to enjoy the weekend. 

I point out that their revision occurred in real time, which won’t always happen. And when it doesn’t, it’s important to spend some time afterward, discussing what you want to do differently next time; this is how you revise and learn from mistakes.  

I reinforce how this repair process is so necessary for them to make positive memories together. This is a new experience for them, and they lament how much time they have lost on being hurt and disconnected other times in their marriage. 

This sadness often hits couples hard when they begin to make progress. It’s so important for this grief to surface. The couple is well positioned for another repair with one another. 

Cora reaches for Romeo and apologizes for all the times and all the ways she hurt him both in her words and her non-verbal expressions. Romeo moves toward her and takes her hands as he apologizes for being self-focused in ways that could break her heart.  With renewed commitment, they commit to continue in therapy. 

The PEPPER Exercise in Conclusion

PEPPER is a top-down tool that requires a functioning pre-frontal cortex.The dorsal lateral pre-frontal cortex along with the anterior cingulate are two brain areas that are activated when predicting and planning. 

When a couple is dysregulated, the neurobiological focus shifts to safety, not planning. This is why assessing each partner’s arousal regulation strategies and self and co-regulation capacities is so important. 

My role with Cora and Romeo was to guide and support this regulatory journey so they could have new, improved experiences together and make better memories. For secure-functioning couples, collaboration and co-regulation intersect.

This top-down tool offers other developmental benefits. The prediction step of PEPPER is a gateway into deepening theory of mind (Premack &Woodruff, 1978) or reflective functioning (Fonagy, Target, Steele, & Steele, 1998). The curiosity in the workings of your own mind and the mind of your partner opens doors to greater understanding and deeper intimacy.  

Cora and Romeo ended their therapy, for now. They acknowledged that they still can fall back into old and unhelpful habits. “But not for long, and not in the same way,” says Cora. “We stop ourselves, and one of us will ask, “Is this what we want to do?” Romeo smiles and says, “We try to laugh at ourselves more and, honestly, when things go sideways, it’s usually because we didn’t think ahead.” 

When couples are in pain, they need relief and can’t seem to find it. Consider the PEPPER exercise as a tool to assist in getting relief. The key to success with PEPPER is to find ways to relieve each other while using the tool. When collaboration intersects with coregulation, new experiences are possible. 

References

Fonagy, P., Target, M., Steele, H., & Steele, M. (1998). Reflective-functioning manual version 5 for application to adult attachment interviews, p. 4-9.

Premack, D., & Woodruff, G. (1978). Does the chimpanzee have a theory of mind? Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 1(4), 515-526. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0140525X00076512

Tatkin, S. (2015). Our automatic brain: Everything new will soon be old. https://www.thepactinstitute.com/blog/our-automatic-brain-everything-new-will-soon-be-old

Tatkin, S. (2018). We do: Saying yes to a relationship of depth, true connection, and enduring love, p. 29 (credits Howe for development of earlier PaPeR exercise). St. Martin's Essentials/Sounds True.