Distinct and Connected: How Realizing Our Fundamental Nature Improves Our Relationships

for therapists Dec 11, 2025

By Sashi Gerzon-Rose, LPC
PACT Level 3 Therapist

Getting locked into a state of threat and perceiving the other as the enemy during times of dysregulation is a perennial problem for couples. This state is pernicious in its impact, both short- and long-term. In the moment, it prevents crucial collaborative problem-solving and reinforces defensive behavior and threat signaling.

Over time, it erodes the foundation of the relationship as couples “accrue so many bad memories of each other that the good ones become eclipsed” (Tatkin, 2023, p.28). Yet so many couples feel powerless to do anything but react defensively in a tense moment. They’re at the mercy of their nervous systems, which organize around the detection of danger rather than engaging in the extension of goodwill.

As long as one partner is not abusive or truly a bad actor, couples must learn how to state-shift from the sympathetic nervous system activation of fight/flight/freeze and the corresponding perspective of “me vs. you”— a perspective of fundamental separateness. This is imperative.

Conversely, a perspective of interdependence, or the embodied realization of fundamental connection, invokes a way of functioning that includes “you and me” as two unique, equally important parts of something larger. The identity of this perspective is one of relational embeddedness, similar to the way two hands function with distinctness yet coordinate as part of a larger whole.

When couples identify with their inseparability, care naturally arises. They also discover their innate belonging, which leads to more likelihood of staying within the window of tolerance and being able to access more creative and collaborative ideas. Couples experience more wellbeing when coming from a ground of connectedness — and are kinder and more benevolent toward others.

Exploring Distinct Selves

I have taken the liberty of consolidating these two divergent perspectives into what I’m calling the separate self and the interdependent self. Both are structures within and between people. They are inspired by Buddhist philosophy, which declares that the root of all suffering lies in identifying with the illusion of separateness. Similarly, developmental theory often suggests that less complex, and thereby less capable selves, experience greater suffering.

In contrast, as ever-increasing complexity manifests through growth, we experience greater capacity to identify with and express from both our unique distinctness as well as inherent connectedness. The exploration of these perspectives is rooted in how identity and internal meaning-making structures determine their perception of just about everything.

I believe the experience of being separate versus connected to be universally understood and accessible to all. Rooted in attachment, the need to connect is one of humanity’s deepest biological imperatives, as is the avoidance of the pain of separation.

Guided by developmental theory, neuroscience, Buddhist philosophy, and attachment theory, I explore below the interior structures of these two perspectives. I look at how, when inhabited, each colors and determines one’s felt sense of reality, self and agency (power), as well as the fundamental process of relating to others (care). I then conclude with various interventions other clinicians can engage in to shepherd clients into the developmental leap from separateness into interdependence.

The implications of this process of identifying with greater complexity and care are substantial. Couples are better able to attain the recognition that because they are not separate, they are mutual stake-holders in their relationship: Either we all win, or we all lose. This stance is far more likely to lead to behavior that is pro-relationship in its altruism, benevolence, and efficacy.

Living from the ground of interdependence is a matter of survival as much as it is a path toward greater well-being and freedom from suffering. As couples increasingly recognize and inhabit their inherent power and influence on each other, they reap the benefits of experiencing themselves as capable, creative, compassionate, and connected. Everybody wins.

The Separate Self

In his book Integral Buddhism, author and self-proclaimed “cartographer of consciousness,” Ken Wilber explains that suffering arises when we view objects as “existing out there” — separate, isolated, dualistically independent, tearing the wholeness of reality into two realms, subject vs. object (Wilber, 2014, p.11). Essentially, Wilber explicates that believing the illusion of separation is what causes us suffering. The very origin of Buddhism lies in the Buddha’s awakening to his and all of reality’s interdependent origination; the non-separate, constantly arising nature of reality, which humans are a part and expression of.

So often we walk around siloed, caught in our own separateness. The reality of interdependence fades into the background of experience, forgotten and perhaps never even consciously discovered. This experience of separateness is particularly heightened when we feel threatened. It is the repetition of experiencing threat in partnership and not knowing how to return to a more connected state that is corrosive over time.

Zen teacher and mediator, Diane Musho Hamilton Roshi writes:

A conversation that happens in an atmosphere of relaxation and openness is a very different conversation than one that takes place in a room with nervous systems dripping adrenaline, poised for fight or flight. The topic may be the same, but when we are even slightly threatened, our attention constricts in preparation for defense, just like our limbs and jaws do, and our ability to reason is impaired because access to our prefrontal cortex is blocked. In other words, when our attention is taken up by our defense system, we are literally prevented from thinking clearly (Hamilton, 2020, p.12).

Not only are we unable to access the creative, abstract problem-solving capacities we need, we are hijacked into more primitive states, perceiving our partners as the very threat we must fight, flee from, or freeze around.

The interior of the Separate Self is rooted in an either/or consciousness: Either I win, or you do; either I get my way, or you do. The experience of self and other feels fixed and solid. The Separate Self often will hear simplistic, clear-cut, always/never language here (“You never clean the kitchen!” “I always have to walk the dogs!”), which is indicative of a more primitive meaning-making structure.

The expression and felt-experience of power are that of one paradigm of power over another: I either dominate or I submit. There is no possibility of sharing the vital resource of power. When one or both partners identify with this perspective, they have lost connection with each other. Care and the recognition of their mutual reliance upon each other are absent and must be regained if they hope for a generative outcome.

The Interdependent Self

When couples recognize their interdependence they acknowledge that they are fundamentally connected, inseparable, and co-creating each other in the moment. This is a developmental leap from the previous either/or to a both/and consciousness: I am connected to myself and to you simultaneously. Sometimes described as mutual dependency, power here “is not controlled by one dominating entity but is rather the dynamic expression of relationships between all entities” (Namgyel, 2018, p.16).

This means that the experience of self and other is more fluid than fixed. Relationship is a process of partners influencing each other rather than two unchanging selves competing for airtime. This is different from co-dependence in that self-regulation is embedded in this capacity to be mutually influenced, which means each partner has more ability to stay connected under stress as well as remain differentiated when necessary. They might consider interdependency to be the ground of all of existence as well as a developmental stage to live from.

Because connection to self is accessible, personal agency is close at hand, which is a different experience of power than in the Separate Self. Power here is something both partners can stand in or share, not impose upon the other. As there is an inherent recognition of connection, care is more readily available. Behavior from this perspective is likely to be collaborative, curious, creative, caring, and confident. This perspective provides an inherently secure way for couples to move through the world.

If only the Interdependent Self were easier to access more often. Again, our hairpin-trigger biology, always on the lookout for threat, impedes a couple’s ability to reside here enough of the time. This is where repetitive practice is imperative in the strengthening of this state, so that it may, over time, turn into an increasingly durable yet dynamic enduring trait.

Interventions

UNPACK IT TO TRACK IT

Map out with clients the interior of their experiences, which lead to external behaviors of these two perspectives. Unpacking experiences increases the likelihood of partners catching themselves when they are identifying and behaving as the separate self and help them shift identification into the interdependent self. The more granular a couple can get, the better.

VOICE DIALOGUE

Use this powerful technique, created by Hal and Sidra Stone, to explore different perspectives and states. Similar to IFS in its flow between various identities, this powerful alternative can be used with groups or both partners simultaneously.

Clinicians start by asking both partners to identify as the Separate Self. For example:

Facilitator: As the Separate Self, what do you notice?

Client: I notice I feel separate, solid, and alone.

Facilitator: As the Separate Self, how do you feel toward your partner?

Client: I feel contracted and a bit anxious. I am not sure what she is thinking of me, and I feel like I need to be ready to defend myself at any moment.

After the initial perspective has been flushed out, you then ask the partners to let that first perspective go and identify as the Interdependent Self. For example:

Facilitator: As the Interdependent Self, what do you notice?

Client: I feel softer, more open. I notice that I feel my heart and am aware of my partner at the same time.

Facilitator: As the Interdependent Self, who matters more, you or your partner?

Client: We both matter equally. I am who I am because of her.
FACE TO FACE

Have clients face each other and instruct each to take turns connecting in with their care and heart as they look at the other. Then repeat the practice through increasingly difficult scenarios, including conflict.

Final Thoughts on Development

Some parts of development remain mysterious, despite all our research and efforts to understand it and ourselves. Why do some people emerge from traumatic situations with post-traumatic growth while others never recover? Perhaps we will never be able to answer that question.

What we can point to is the how of development as well as the who. Talking about who clients become while in the state of experiencing separation as well as connection matters, so they are more quickly able to identify what’s happening and course-correct when it’s occurring.

Just as important is ongoing practice outside of session in shifting states, from the more primitive defensive stance of distancing to the more complex and regulated stance of connection to self and other. Over time, this practice will help them reside in interdependency more regularly.

Kegan writes on the hidden consequences and gifts of development:

We not only increase the likelihood of our being moved, we also run the risks that being moved entails. For we are moved somewhere, and that somewhere is further into life, closer to those we live with. They come to matter more. Seeing better increases our vulnerability to the welfare of another. It is our recruitability, as much as our knowledge of what to do once drawn, that makes us of value in caring for another’s development (Kegan, 1982, P.16-17).

Our injunction, as clinicians, is to usher clients into more availability with each other, with themselves, and with the world at large. I feel optimistic when I think about the possibility of what this world might look and feel like. I once heard the description of the sharing of Dharma, or true teachings, likened to that of a hummingbird doing its part to put out a forest fire. I think of that sometimes as I sit with couples.

Our world is in crisis, and the more we recognize our interdependence, the more we avail ourselves to each other, and the more we are moved to help one another. Our job as couple therapists is to support our couples in transforming from insecure to secure functioning; from me vs. you to us. The implications of that transformation are extensive and far reaching as we support people in transforming their consciousness.

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