Hidden Losses in Our Shared Vision

by Manpreet Singh, LMFT
PACT Level 2 Clinician

In my practice as a marriage and family therapist, I often find that couples underestimate the impact that loss can have on the fabric of secure functioning. Losses are present from the moment a dyad is formed, as each partner begins to integrate a pro-relationship stance into their sense of self. They continue with every decision made in managing thirds and become increasingly difficult to ignore during key lifecycle transitions — such as launching children into adulthood or facing the inevitable changes that come with aging and the decline of one’s own health or that of loved ones. 

There are also profound and unique forms of loss associated with threats to survival, including the birth of a special-needs child or the onset of chronic illness within the family. In this blog, I will explore examples of hidden loss and offer reflections on how loss management can become an intentional part of a couple’s shared vision.

How Hidden Loss Happens

 “Would you like to get some coffee?” “Have we met before?” “Can I help you with that?” From that first interaction, a choice is made whether or not to consider the other alongside oneself. In that calculation we may not consider the losses, which include delaying a meal, a bathroom break, or a trip to the dream college in another country as our true love breaks through security at the airport to meet us at the gate moments before the gate closes. No matter how small, we must process these losses in order to prevent them from becoming kindling for a resentment bonfire down the road. 

After being married for over 30 years, Joe was ready to call it quits. He was distraught, trapped in a feeling of dull boredom repeating in each week’s session that the relationship had lost its spark and spontaneity. True to their own shared vision, they had built a union in which they shared all finances and were openly transparent with each other. 

This still left the couple with guilt and shame tied to their fear of neglecting each other, a fear that had driven their need to plan everything together. Upon further inspection, the couple began to recognize the hidden loss that came with this unspoken rule: the loss of true, uninhibited, and sometimes delightfully irrational spontaneity. 

Lack of processing this early in their relationship led to a built-up resentment to a point where Joe believed that his partner had robbed him of his joy for all those years. This led to injurious statements on both sides, including “You robbed me from having any fun,” and “I am never good enough for you.” 

* * *

Sonia and Arjun had been arguing for months, and by the time they sought help, it had become nearly impossible for them to be in the same room without a fight breaking out. Both were running on empty, as if trying to run the New York City Marathon backward while juggling — an impossible, exhausting feat that somehow mirrored their lives. 

Since the birth of their special-needs child sixteen years earlier, they had been living in a constant state of vigilance, managing therapies, behavioral interventions, and medications around the clock. 

With no family nearby to lean on, they learned to survive by stretching themselves to the edge — passing responsibilities back and forth in a kind of unspoken relay. Over time, those handoffs became the only contact they shared. The teamwork that once held them together had quietly turned into distance, until they were partners in duty and strangers in everything else.

The Losses Couples Grieve 

For both couples, the hidden losses that accompany change — whether intentional or circumstantial — had slowly built a wall between them, making it harder to take a pro-relational stance. These losses, to name a few, include spontaneity, predictability, companionship, privacy, freedom, a sense of grounding. 

Like notes on a piano, we tend to play the melodies that fit our needs at a given time, staying within a familiar genre and key. But over the years, certain keys get worn from overuse while others remain untouched. Those untouched keys, still shiny and unmarked, can catch the light and remind us of the parts of ourselves — or our relationships — that we haven’t experienced or expressed in far too long.

Mourning these losses is the process of accepting the song we’ve played so far, while recognizing and appreciating that we still have music left to create. 

Throughout our lives, we carry dreams, images, and expectations — many formed in childhood and carried into our relationships — often without considering how they fit alongside another person’s reality. It’s important to remain vigilant for these lost dreams and unspoken disappointments and to share them openly within our relationships. 

How Repair Works through Shared Principles 

Every couple must deal with disappointment and loss, so creating a framework for grief is an inevitable part of building a shared vision or PACT’s shared principles of governance. How does this work in practice?

Acknowledgement of the shared experience is the first and most crucial step in the process of building a shared vision, and subsequently repair, as many couples either consciously or unconsciously avoid recognizing their losses — often hidden under the guise of good intentions. 

Eye gazing and a deep listening practice that Stan Tatkin refers to as “Sherlocking” is essential throughout a relationship. Through intense observation as questions are asked and answered, we can catch somatic nonverbal cues that we’ve been missing about our partner. 

Through our sensory perceptions, we gain the capacity to recapture our curiosity about our partner. Both of us can listen more calmly and feel heard.

The Good Loss Management Yields

Once acknowledged, alignment and validation are needed. This comes in the form of holding true to PACT principles of being in each other’s care while naming, holding, and processing the circumstantial loss, absent of intent to harm. No devils. No angels. 

For Sonia and Arjun, through exploring the science behind how we are built for war, they were able to strengthen their disarming techniques and refrain from blaming each other for circumstances they could not control. 

Just as couples develop frameworks for effective repair, they must also create a framework for mourning losses. Without this intentional process, we risk accumulating a mass grave of unattended grief — losses never named, never mourned. Repair usually arises in response to a problem or injury, something that can be avoided or prevented in the future. 

Through validation, understanding, and apology, couples rebuild trust and confidence that such injuries won’t recur. But with losses, there is no direct problem to fix — only sadness to be acknowledged, shared, and held together. 

When couples allow themselves to process these feelings collectively, they make room for renewal. From this place of mutual understanding, they can create a shared vision unburdened by the weight of past, unspoken losses.