Co-Regulation Is Not Codependency

By Hans Stahlschmidt, PhD
Dean of Students and Faculty, Senior Core Faculty

I want to address a misunderstanding I’ve encountered both inside and outside of PACT circles over the last few years: that our strong emphasis on co-regulation might suggest an endorsement of codependency, or even a tolerance for harmful relational dynamics under the banner of “working things out.”

From time to time, questions arise about what PACT means when it speaks of co-regulation and how this differs from notions of self-regulation, differentiation, and codependency. Some readers — and even some therapists — have misunderstood co-regulation as a form of fusion or collapse, as though it required partners to give up their individuality. 

Others have worried that the PACT emphasis on deep care between partners might imply a tolerance for unhealthy dependence, or worse, for abuse carried out “in the name of being in it together” or “the need to co-regulate my abusive partner.”

I want to be very clear: PACT does not subscribe to any form of codependency model, nor does it accept or tolerate abusive behavior of any kind.

In stark contrast, PACT supports couples in building a rigorous system of safety, responsibility, and mutual protection. The model rests on secure functioning, differentiation, and personal growth. In PACT, both individuals and the couple as a system are expected to grow together. Co-regulation strengthens each partner, enhancing their ability to remain connected to themselves while also maintaining a connection with their partner.

The Foundations of PACT

PACT is a model of couple therapy that integrates attachment, neuroscience, and arousal regulation into a practical clinical framework. At its core, PACT teaches that couples thrive when they can manage distress, conflict, and intimacy together in real time.

The tool for this is co-regulation, where partners use their attention, nervous systems, and behaviors to help each other remain safe, present, and engaged. Co-regulation is not about collapse or surrender; it is about partners becoming better regulators for themselves by becoming better regulators for each other.

This is why co-regulation in PACT is always paired with differentiation. A secure-functioning couple bubble requires both individuals to be strong, resilient, and self-aware. The paradox is that partners become more differentiated not by retreating into independence, but by practicing interdependence in a disciplined, principled way.

Secure Functioning and the Couple Bubble

The guiding ethic of PACT is secure functioning. Secure functioning means that both partners agree to put fairness, justice, sensitivity, and mutual protection at the center of their relationship. It is a governance system; partners agree on principles and rules of engagement that guarantee safety for both.

From this stance arises the couple bubble — a shared, protective space in which both partners commit to protecting each other from harm, both from the outside world and from one another. 

The couple bubble is not permissive or indulgent; it has firm boundaries. It is the place where partners pledge not to lie, not to threaten, not to neglect, not to abuse. It is where they agree to repair quickly in the event of a rupture.

Far from being codependent, the couple bubble is a high-responsibility system. It demands vigilance, accountability, and active participation from both partners.

Why PACT Is the Opposite of Codependency

To confuse PACT’s co-regulation with codependency is to misunderstand both.

• Codependency is characterized by secrecy, enabling, and the collapse of responsibility. Partners cover for dysfunction rather than confronting it. They avoid protest and silence their own needs. Abuse and neglect may be tolerated under the guise of sticking together.
• Co-regulation in PACT, by contrast, is built on transparency, rapid repair, and mutual accountability. Secure-functioning partners are expected to surface problems quickly, not hide them. They regulate each other toward vitality and growth, not collapse. They demand fairness, justice, and sensitivity — not submission or silence.

This is why we can say with confidence: co-regulation is the antidote to codependency.

Personal Growth, Self-Regulation, and Differentiation

While co-regulation is central in PACT, it does not replace self-regulation or personal growth. Each partner is responsible for cultivating awareness of their own states and behaviors. They must be able to regulate themselves well enough to be present, engaged, and available to their partner.

At the same time, PACT insists on differentiation: the ability to hold onto oneself while remaining connected to the other. 

In a differentiated state, partners can assert their needs without fear of losing the relationship, and they can stay connected without collapsing their individuality.

Differentiation makes co-regulation possible. Without it, partners risk slipping into fusion or detachment. With it, they can stand firmly as themselves while also standing firmly together.

Addressing Misunderstandings in Practice

To prevent confusion, PACT therapists and students must be clear:

• Co-regulation is not enabling. It is a conscious, skillful practice of attunement and repair.
• The couple bubble is not a shelter for dysfunction. It is a protective space that forbids secrecy, neglect, and abuse.
• Secure functioning requires attention and awareness. Partners are expected to hold each other accountable and to repair quickly when harm occurs.
• Abuse is never tolerated. Any behavior that undermines fairness, justice, or safety disqualifies a relationship from being secure-functioning.

When misunderstandings arise, it helps to return to these PACT principles. Co-regulation, self-regulation, differentiation, and secure functioning work together to create strong, flexible, resilient couples — not collapsed or dependent ones.

Conclusion

The PACT model is sometimes misunderstood as permissive or indulgent because of its emphasis on care and co-regulation. In reality, it is one of the most rigorous, responsible, and growth-oriented approaches to couple therapy.

Co-regulation in PACT is not about collapsing into the other, but about building the capacity to remain fully oneself while remaining fully available to one’s partner. It is about strengthening the couple system so that both individuals can thrive. It is about creating a commons of safety where abuse and neglect are never tolerated, and where fairness, justice, sensitivity, and rapid repair guide the relationship.

In short, PACT is the opposite of codependency. It is a disciplined practice of interdependence, designed to cultivate resilient individuals and thriving partnerships.