By Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC
PACT Level 2 Therapist
https://www.baltimorecounselor.com
During these unprecedented times, we are stuck in our homes for an undetermined amount of time with our partners, spending more hours with them than ever before. We might have always wished for extra time with a partner, but I’m guessing no one imagined it would be spent under “stay at home” orders due to a global pandemic.
Recently I’ve been asking couples, “How can you make the most of this time and benefit from it as a couple?”
Of course, you can watch Netflix and hunker down for the next 4, 8, or 16 weeks, but as a therapist and a person who wants to keep learning and growing, I feel like this situation provides couples with a unique opportunity for growth and connection. If not now, then when?
Know that you can weather this storm as a couple and even come out stronger from it. With structure and agreements in place – and hopefully some humor and fun – you can handle self-quarantine in the best way possible.
Create Structure
I recommend that, as a couple, you create simple structures to your day. What time will you wake up? Eat meals? Go to bed? I find that couples who are starting to slip — getting up at noon, not getting dressed, staying up too late — make their uncertainty more difficult to manage.
Make Agreements
I also recommend couples make agreements about who cooks, who cleans, and who does what chores when. Reassess if your originally established agreements still work for both of you in your new reality. When you are fair, just, and sensitive, you take care of each other and strengthen your relationship. Schedules may change, but the principles of secure functioning stay the same.
Another subject you may want to discuss is what topics you will and will not bring up. Agree upon those. During challenging and uncertain times, it’s not always constructive to address difficult, unresolved issues. Under normal circumstances, our brain scans for threat in and around our environment. During a global pandemic, our threat perception increases even more. If you agree to discuss an issue, provide a safe and secure environment by taking turns speaking, listening actively to your partner, and not focusing for too long on one problem.
Reach Out
If you need to address differences immediately and you have difficulty discussing the issue together, contact a PACT therapist who can guide you through. Many therapists around the country have moved to telehealth videoconferencing, so keep in mind that therapists in your area are still available during this time.
Make the Most of Your Time Together
During this challenging time, when many people are working on the frontlines or losing their jobs, feeling sick, or losing loved ones, it may be difficult to connect to your partner. However, now may be more important than ever to build that sense of security and connection.
This virus may keep you and your partner stuck at home, but use this time to reconnect. Making an agreement about how you want to spend this lockdown and where you want your focus to be will make all the difference when you are able to leave your home again. Look for the positive, be grateful that you are together, and discuss what you want to do to make the most of this time.
When you look back on Spring 2020, of course you’ll remember all the stress and uncertainty. I hope you will also remember how you became emotionally closer, more loving toward each other, and took this opportunity to create a more fulfilling relationship.
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