On Gratitude: An Interview with Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin

by Joanna Beinfeld

Stan’s executive assistant, Joanna Beinfeld, has over 15 years experience with the PACT Institute. She recently had an opportunity to sit down and interview with her mother Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, cofounder of the PACT Institute. The PACT faculty and staff heartily join Tracey in thanking you for being a part of the PACT community!

Joanna: The PACT community knows you as a co-founder, teacher, and generous colleague. When you reflect on this community in a season of gratitude, what do you feel most thankful for, and what do you hope its members know about the difference they make?

Tracey: Oh gosh, that's a big question. What I'm most appreciative of and have great gratitude for is the entire community. And when I say community, it's all the students, it's all the faculty, it's all the team members who make the PACT engine run. I'm grateful for the opportunity that Stan and I have been given to be able to do this work and to be able to look at the difference that the PACT therapists are making with their clients. Also, when we do the Wired for Love online workshop, just the feedback and all of that…just to watch when the couples come in in the very beginning, you know? They're kind of stiff and what not, and then by the end they're kind of melding in for the most part. We’re here teaching on Cape Cod and just met a woman who not only saw a PACT therapist who made a difference in her marriage, but then she came to the online workshop. So these are the things that I hold in gratitude, just the giving spirit of the people in our community.

Joanna: Well, you also helped found the PACT community. That must be said. Speaking of founding, PACT began as a small hands-on endeavor with Stan and has grown into an international community and team. What do you remember most vividly about those early mom-and-pop days? And what have you learned about trusting others, delegating, and letting a mission grow beyond its founders?

Tracey: Oh, I'm excited to have it grow beyond its founders — way-yay excited about that. And if I look at the mom-and-pop days, I remember…I was working in philanthropy. I was not a therapist. And I remember when Stan and I would walk around. We live in Calabasas, and there’s a manmade lake there, and it’s three miles around. We’d walk in the evenings, and he…would teach me everything that he'd been integrating that day about attachment, primary relationships. Secure functioning came out of that.

And so I really remember those mom-and-pop days. I remember when we'd go to venues, we’d have to take a projector with us and our luggage and all of that, and just watching PACT grow, hiring Kara Hoppe…and having to give up a lot of what I was doing as far as delegating, right? I'm kind of an organized control freak, so it was hard for me to do.

And yet, as PACT grew and more and more really quality people stepped into roles, it's very easy to delegate now. We have such a strong team of competent, wonderful people who actually have the PACT mission at heart.

Joanna: Yes, every single one of them.

Tracey: Yeah, it's not at all hard now.

Joanna: Awesome! Well, what excites you about your work and the work PACT is doing? What's coming up that you're excited about?

Tracey: Oh, we're really growing the PACT community, and that excites the heck out of me in that I'm so grateful, again, for the team, as they're providing more and more opportunities for PACT therapists to be connected — you’ve got PACTplus, you’ve got case analyses, you’ve got all different opportunities to interact with colleagues, your fellow PACT-ers, as they're often called.

Joanna: And how do you feel about the way it's fostering that community and the outcomes of that?

Tracey: Well, I can think back to the master class last year and how, you know, folks shared houses and got together. Oh you know, like, “I'm flying in on another flight” or “Oh, I can give you a ride from the airport.” All of those things that people who have only seen each other maybe on a Zoom screen are now connecting in real time, putting faces to names. I look forward to the day when we can have a conference here and do that so everyone can get together. Some people can even teach their specialties, because we have so many people with such fabulous talents in their area, whether it's sex, whether it's addiction, whether it's neurodivergence. They can bring all of that to the table, and we can connect in person.

Joanna: They're also bound by PACT. They’re all such a huge part of PACT, and they all bring it to the table, and they kind of really foster a circle of trust through PACT, I think.

Tracey: Right. And I think…

Joanna: Trust and connection.

Tracey: There is that connection of PACT. And then there's small groups that get together, you know, whether it's once a month, bi-monthly, whatever, and they consult with each other and help each other out.

I really find…I mean, even our instructors now, you know, if they're going to team teach, they’re meeting like six to eight weeks in advance, and they meet weekly. That fosters friendship, companionship, again, community is my word, and I just feel so grateful for the commitment of the PACT community.

Joanna: A directory listing can seem practical, but it also represents a therapist making themselves available to serve couples and families. What do you hope a prospective couple experiences when they find a PACT therapist through this growing network?

Tracey: I've actually gotten some couples through the PACT Therapist Directory. And what I hope is that prospective couples come in knowing a bit about PACT and about the way that I  — or anybody else — work as a PACT therapist…so they can get more work done in that first session right away.

Joanna: You hope they come in knowing that they're going to work and what the work is going to be about.

Tracey: Right, so they have that knowledge, and I always hope that they've read Wired for Love, Second Edition or one of Stan's other books.

Joanna: As PACT grows, how do you hope the community will preserve the generosity, collegiality, and sense of shared purpose that have always mattered to you? 

Tracey: Well, I hope that we've created a community that is of service and is collaborative and is, you know, cohesive. And, I think it starts with our team, right? It starts with Stan and me, but it starts with the messaging of what I call “the soft touch.” It’s that the relationships and gratitude and community are so important to us, and I hope that trickles down. I know it's important to our team to have that message, and so I always want us to be able to continue to have that sort of community, no matter how big we get.

Joanna: Very important. Growth brings new voices, new relationships, and new possibilities. What are you most grateful for in this particular stage of PACT evolution?

Tracey: Oh gosh. There's so many people who are stepping up. You've got Karen Berry and Caroline [Russell Smith], who brought, you know, the workshop PACT in the Bedroom. You’ve got friends like Akilah [Riley-Richardson], who came and gave her perspective of what it's like to be a therapist in Trinidad [Couples, Trauma, and the World We’re Living In] and Eda [Arduman], who [did] Compassionate Request.

What I'm excited about and what I'm grateful for is that so many of the different voices of people in PACT are bringing their passions, their expertise, and [PACT has] created a platform for them to be able to do this.

If you could offer one message of welcome to every new PACT member, what would it be and what do you hope they will contribute to the community over time?

Well first, I say, “Welcome to the PACT community!” because I feel like so many people are part of the PACT community…. I would love for people to contribute at whatever comfort level they have. I mean, we have some people who come and they don't ask questions, and they're shy, and they're introverts, and that's fine, you know...

Joanna: You're safe here.

Tracey: Yeah, come as you are, and I hope in every PACT training that we create a container for everyone to feel safe and to feel heard at the level, again, of which they're comfortable. And so, contributing to the community is just, “Come and show up as you are.”

Joanna: Be yourself. Yeah. That's enough to contribute.

Tracey: It’s so important that people feel held and that they feel like they are part of a community.

“Welcome to the PACT community. We're happy to have you.”