Ethical Non-Monogamy and PACT

by Liane Daiter, OT Reg. (Ont.), SEP, PACT Level 1 Clinician

Do you ever wonder what you and your partner (romantic or otherwise) are actually doing together? What purpose does your relationship serve?

Stan Tatkin, founder of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), emphasizes the importance of couples having a shared mission, values, and principles (MVP, for short). 

MVPs become the backbone of a secure, resilient relationship and move the couple from two individuals managing their own needs to a two-person system. As a couple, our shared mission answers the question, “Why are we together?”

Some examples of shared missions?

• We protect each other.
• We ensure each other’s safety, security, and well-being.
• We function as a reliable team.
• We raise happy, healthy kids together.

What Keeps ENM People Committed

Shared values answer the question “what matters most to us?” Values must be explicitly, mutually agreed upon, and demonstrated behaviourally. Common shared values may include emotional safety, honesty over comfort, repair after rupture, and/or loyalty to the relationship.

Shared principles define how partners treat each other when things get hard. 

Some examples of shared principles? 

• We don’t make threats to abandon the other.
• We help each other regulate.
• We repair quickly and thoroughly. 

A shared principle might sound something like “when one of us is dysregulated, the other person moves closer, not farther away.”

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship spectrum where we see a wide range of MVPs. Many non-monogamous people reject the idea of the relationship escalator, a socially scripted path relationships are expected to follow (for example, dating, then emotional prioritization, sexual commitment, increasing time and entanglement, moving in together, financial merging, engagement, marriage, and finally, children). 

We can enter and stay in relationships for many reasons, including enjoying quality time/date nights, wanting physical touch from more than one person, exploring sexuality, building and sharing community spaces.

Why ENM Relationships Fall Apart

It is important for ENM couples to define their shared mission, values, and principles. Is our highest value to respect each other’s autonomy? If so, the shared values would reflect that (“we value growth over comfort”) as well as the shared principles (“when one person is doing something that makes the other feel triggered/uncomfortable/distressed, we process it together and do not pull away from the trigger itself”). Unclear/mismatched MVPs are one reason I often see ENM relationships fall apart.

Another reason I see ENM relationships fall apart is because people are unaware of the MVPs their partner has established in their other relationships. For example, if I created a shared value around protecting my partner, and our mission was to prioritize each other’s safety in all decision-making (with a shared principle of “I protect our relationship by slowing down/ceasing things that feel threatening to it”), this would be a very uneasy surprise one day to the person whose relationship is being slowed or restricted. 

My observation is that new partners come to learn the MVPs of their partner’s other relationships over time. They are not given the information upfront, and they are robbed of the opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to enter the relationship at all.

How the Brain Activates Threat

It is important to mention that many people have a history of attachment trauma, including abandonment fears, that make them highly susceptible to feeling threatened. As children, caregivers are our source of safety and regulators of our distress. 

Attachment theory posits that as adults, romantic partners become a proxy for our childhood primary attachment figures, especially in long-term, bonded relationships. 

This means that the brain activates the same attachment circuitry and scans for danger in similar ways to when we were children. If we had inconsistent or unreliable caregivers as children, we are more likely to feel threatened in our adult relationships (i.e., have insecure attachment styles). 

When Guardrails Help

People who have insecure attachment styles may require more relationship guardrails to feel safe and secure in their relationships, especially in ENM, where perceived threats (including the introduction of a new partner) are plenty. Essentially, the person’s fight/flight system is in overdrive much of the time. This is where our MVPs come into play. Many people need and rely on MVPs as guardrails to feel safe in ENM.

ENM rhetoric would have us believing that hierarchies are inherently unethical in all circumstances. This prevents us from having nuanced conversations about how we care for one another and how we come to feel safe in relationship. It can also prevent people from being transparent and upfront with their partners about relationship agreements with other partners. By using the framework of shared mission, values, and principles, all members of an ENM dynamic can get clear about what they want and need to feel safe and secure.